Nothing lasts forever..
I knew that. I knew that very well. Of course nothing lasts forever. Nothing materialistic, anyway.
Not even love...
I had gotten into an argument with my friend over this. Of course love lasts forever, I argued, of course it does! His one statement hung in the air and tossed and turned in my mind.
Love can last a lifetime. Not forever.
The argument had started over a harmless movie - Shrek 4. The underlying theme addressed the very fact my friend was trying to get through to me. That at some point of life, people get tired. Bored of life, even. That one needs a purpose to live. And so living forever, would be a curse.
Bitter at the fact that somewhere in the back of my mind I felt he was right, I strove even further to prove him wrong. I would live life forever, if I could, wouldn't I? Wouldn't I...?
That got me thinking about life in general. How very short it is, how, I keep feeling now, that at the end of the day, I'd always wish for just a few more years. How I could never really get enough of it.
And I thought of all the things I've done in life so far. My childhood. Swinging on the playground to the highest and then letting go, sailing through the air for a few precious seconds and landing with a thud on the soft grass. Skating at full speed down a gravel slope, heading straight for a wall, and swerving out sideways, last minute. Trying to make an omelet which ended up sticking to the pan. Playing dolls with my friend, during those hot afternoons, creating stories after stories in a make-believe world. Dressing up for Halloween. Creating timeless childhood memories with friends I can only call my brothers and sisters. Lying on the grass, breathing in the smell of the rain-soaked mud. Watching the tiny living creatures of this world, from the ladybug to the tulips. Camping out on the terrace, staring at the endless stretch of starlit sky, safe in the arms of my mother. My first day of school. The achievement of learning something new. The day I got full marks in my Math test. All those small things that count, not because they were of much significance, but because they make you smile in afterthought.
And then I thought of all the recent memories that have been created, all the ones that are in the process of creation and are fresh in my mind.
Living the high school days. Crying in front of the girls' bathroom. Passing chits around class during Biology. Sitting in class and laughing till my sides hurt. Dwelling on common secrets and new gossip. Watching the rain cover everything outside as the clock slowly ticked on in pace with the teacher's voice. Begging the van driver to stop for vada pav, just this once. Lazing around the playground during break, sharing a sense of mutual boredom. Playing basketball with the hot sun tingling our skin with it's warmth till we were hot and sticky and croaking for water. Sitting with my History book for hours and getting up at the end of the day with a sense of pride at actually having learnt something. Writing the boards. Waiting for the results. Celebrating over the fact that it's over...it's all over.
Sharing a sense of new found responsibility. Catching a bus and roaming across the city, just because you can. The anticipation of going to college, slowly building up, tingling the mind and exciting the senses. New friends, new things to learn, new experiences, and a new found confidence. I looked forward to it with such zealous joy.
And all that followed later. College, Graduation, Moving out. Finding The One, being in love. Asserting your independence. There were so many things I want to do. I want to step into a new college and call it mine. I want to live in a hostel, with other girls like me. I want to meet somebody, and fall in love, be kissed. I want to open the door to my unfurnished flat, my new home, and feel tranquil and settled. I want to pass out of college and walk with my head held high because I have achieved what I wanted. I want to start working, earn my first few dollars, savour them. I want to meet new people, create an image of myself. I want to have that feeling of knowing that I could do anything, anything in the world now, if only I choose to. I want to spend time with friends, family, and share my love and time with them. I want to pursue my career, earn a name, and do good to the world, contribute to all I can. I want to be the best. I want to sit in the hospital bed and bask in the eternal joy of being a mother. I want to walk my child through all the roads I've walked and help choose the best one. I want to watch my life unfold before me in my child. I want to see my grandchildren just as happy as I am. I want to die knowing that I did something in this world, knowing that I never let myself down, knowing that I am happy.
Then there are the other things, things that I wish I could do in life, but are kept away in a secret box till, either the time comes to live them, or else just look upon then as faded memories, ghosts of wishes. I want to become a dolphin trainer. I want to go into space and look at our Earth from the eyes of the universe. I want to visit Afghanistan. I want to learn to ride a horse. I want to write a novel, and publish it. I want to fly an airplane, want to experience the thrill of lifting the contraption off of the ground and into the sky. I want to save a person's live. I want to teach somebody a lesson, and learn one myself. I want to go paragliding across canyons and valleys. I want to take a road trip across the country. I want to visit exotic places. I want to sail. I want to help the suffering.
I want. So many other unnamed things I want, and I know thousands of other people want.
And that’s why I live. What I live for. The feelings, the emotions, the incidents, the memories... the desires, the experience, the thrill, the pain, the joy...the sights, sounds, tastes, smells and feel, the small things that matter…the beat of a heart, the warmth of a breath, the softness of a touch...so precious, so easily lost, so easily gained...I want it all.
I want…life.
And I have it. And I will live it to the very end because I am blessed to have what I want, be it for now or forever. Because waking up to see the rays of the new day’s sun is never a burden. And I will continue to wake up to this boon and greet it with my own shining smile and heart.
